Press Release Claims
Witch Damned Newberry

March 30, 2015

Anonymously submitted press release.

      Newberry Springs, CA.   A local expert, after extensive research, at government expense, has discovered that the Newberry Springs water basin depletion has nothing to do with local alfalfa farmers or large recreational lakes.

      The water drawdown problem started decades ago when a powerful witch was passing through Newberry Springs on a broomstick and was refused service at the Cliff House, which served alcohol beverages to thirsty travelers.  The witch was shoved out the door for not being in compliance with the then existing local dress code.

      The witch, in a fit of anger, placed a forever curse on the Newberry Springs water basin, commanding that it decline between 2 to 4 feet annually, until the entire community dries up and blows away.

      A permanent coven was then established in Newberry Springs, governed by local witches and warlocks to ensure that the original curse remained unbroken.  They roam the community in clever disguises, some camouflaged as community leaders and others as friendly neighbors.

      The local witches and warlocks may have met their match at last.  The local expert is reportedly seeking a $50 million grant from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, to retain an exorcist to eliminate the curse on the local water basin.

      But don't sell the local witches and warlocks short.  They have applied for a $100 million U.S. Department of Agriculture grant to buy new irrigation sprinkler systems, drill deeper water wells and take hard-earned vacations at the French Riviera in chartered jets.  The U.S. Department of Agriculture has an endless supply of tax dollars to shower on millionaire alfalfa farmers.

      The conclusion to this curious series of events in Newberry Springs has yet to be written.  Stay turned for further developments.

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