March 30, 2015
Anonymously submitted press release.
Press Release Claims
Witch Damned Newberry
Newberry Springs, CA. A local expert, after extensive
research, at government expense, has discovered that the Newberry Springs water basin depletion
has nothing to do with local alfalfa farmers or large recreational lakes.
The water drawdown problem started decades ago when a powerful
witch was passing through Newberry Springs on a broomstick and was refused service at the
Cliff House, which served alcohol beverages to thirsty travelers. The witch was
shoved out the door for not being in compliance with the then existing local dress code.
The witch, in a fit of anger, placed a forever curse on the
Newberry Springs water basin, commanding that it decline between 2 to 4 feet annually,
until the entire community dries up and blows away.
A permanent coven was then established in Newberry Springs,
governed by local witches and warlocks to ensure that the original curse remained
unbroken. They roam the community in clever disguises, some camouflaged as
community leaders and others as friendly neighbors.
The local witches and warlocks may have met their match at last.
The local expert is reportedly seeking a $50 million grant from the U.S. Department of
Agriculture, to retain an exorcist to eliminate the curse on the local water basin.
But don't sell the local witches and warlocks short.
They have applied for a $100 million U.S. Department of Agriculture grant to buy
new irrigation sprinkler systems, drill deeper water wells and take hard-earned
vacations at the French Riviera in chartered jets. The U.S. Department of
Agriculture has an endless supply of tax dollars to shower on millionaire alfalfa
The conclusion to this curious series of events in Newberry
Springs has yet to be written. Stay turned for further developments.
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